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As people dive into the dating market, the first thing we usually hear is, “oh, we are just getting to know each other.” This is the fun stage of dating. Everything seems so new and exciting. And yes, nothing is confirmed yet. You are just getting to know each other.
So, when people are just “getting to know each other”, what do they really need to know that are important to support a long-lasting relationship? Here are the top 10 on the list that you should know about:
The obvious 5:
the interests
hobbies
job(s)
education background
favorite vacation places
The not so obvious 5:
the family and cultural background
dreams and hopes
conflict resolution style
happiness and stress expression
sex language
The obvious 5:
Do we have similar interests?
Doing fun things together that both of you enjoy creates that chemistry that you need to bond with each other. Our brain produces dopamine when we are happy. And that dopamine is what you need to feel excited and interested in the other person to carry on the relationship. If it’s not enjoyable, why be together?
2. Does this person have a hobby that he or she can do on his/her own?
Have you seen or even been in a relationship where you find the other person super clingy and wished that you have some room to breathe? Do you wish this person can have a life of their own so that you are not the only one that they rely on? That’s exactly it. When people have a hobby of their own, they tend to develop a more independent personality. They are more attractive, lively and fun to be around. When they have a hobby of their own, whether it is similar to yours or not, it will bring benefit to this relationship. If it’s similar to yours, you will have a shared interest. If it’s different than yours, then you learn something new. And the chances are, you get lots of things to talk about and won’t get bored.
3. What does this person do/plan to do for a living?
We must make a living in this world. Whether you are getting a job in a traditional sense, or starting your own gig, you need to make a living to exchange for basic food and shelter you need in this world. Of course, if this person makes more, the chance of getting what he/she wants is easier. Financial stableness is not everything; but it’s definitely something that needs to be considered in the dating process. What the person is doing at the moment when you meet him/her does not necessarily reflect who he/she will be in the future. So consider carefully and try to understand the person’s financial world view to see if it matches with yours.
4. What education background does this person have?
In a traditional sense, education background means the degree or certification one has. Nowadays, it’s more important to know if this person is interested in learning and what information they have about advance their future to the next level. A university degree doesn’t necessarily guarantee a better future. However, having a plan for success definitely gets one on the road to success. So, when you are just getting to know someone, learn about whether this person has a somewhat workable plan to reach the success that they see themselves in. If you can see yourself supporting that plan, then you have someone worth to continue dating.
5. What are some of the favourite vacation places for this person?
Vacation styles says a lot about this person’s preferences, lifestyles and values. It also sets the tone for your future lifestyle if you end up being with this person. You would want to find out how this person likes to travel; who they enjoy meeting along the way and what they are attracted to in their favourite place to vacate. Talking about the favourite vacation places, one could find out whether this person is a foodie, artsy, or academic type person. It also sheds some light on this person’s upbringing as well. If you are looking for a long-lasting relationship, matching the lifestyle will be important to you.
The not so obvious 5:
What family cultural background did this person grow up with?
When people begin to know each other, this topic could be overlooked. It may or may not be discussed due to its sensitive nature. One could be perceived as moving too fast if asked too many deep questions. However, their family cultural background can be a crucial piece for a long-lasting relationship. As a result, being able to skillfully get information on family cultural background helps to take the relationship to a deeper level. Family cultural background does not merely mean geographical or language culture, but also means the way people brought up, such as “sports is important in my family” or “camping and connecting to the nature is one of my family’s summer routines” or “I was appraised by my parents when I get an A from school”. In many of our Family Success Series, we teach how to use the family background and culture piece to enhance your personal relationships. Make sure you subscribe to our newsletter right here, follow us @Nuwaycounselling or sign up for a membership to learn more about how you could use this information to build a happily ever after relationship.
2. What dreams and hopes does this person has?
Dreams and hopes are not only wishing to be rich and make a lot of money. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to become rich and make more money. But it’s more important to know what one would do with the money that he/she makes. Getting to know about a person’s dreams and hopes is to understand what is important to this person; and find out the character about this person. A person with dreams and hopes will drive this person to work hard and get to their hopes and dreams to come true; money is just a vehicle to get there.
3. How does this person experience happiness or stress?
Let’s be real. In a long-lasting relationship, the day-to-day life is not all that bright and happy all the time. When you are getting to know a person, try to find out how this person experiences happiness or other emotions; especially stress. Some people prefer being alone to deal with stress, while others try to engage themselves in their work as a stress relief. Learn about your date’s emotional behaviours will better manage conflict with this person in a long run. #CBTcommunication #CBT
4. Learn about the conflict resolution styles.
In one of the relationship studies, marriage professionals predicted 93.6% of the stability of a marriage amongst the participants in their study. Why? Because most of the relationship success is not predicted by excitement and fun during happy times, but predicted by how well they manage conflicts and display affection to each other during difficult times. For you, if you are serious about getting a long-lasting relationship, you must consider how your date expresses their anger or frustration with their friends, family members, or the general public. Maybe you could observe their interactions with the server or cashier on outings. You will find out if you could handle the conflict resolution style and decide whether this person is worth you to invest more time with.
5. How does this person perceive sex?
Sex is an important topic for long-lasting relationships. Nowadays, as sex becomes more and more an open topic for discussion, people know that it is a must to discuss about sexual preferences. Instead of talking about it, some people believe that they should try sex before they can commit to a relationship; some people still preserve the traditional way of no sex before marriage. Whichever view on sex you have, it’s important to learn about each other’s sexual style and how sex will influence your relationship satisfaction. Don’t just go online and get random skewed information about sex. But talk to a trusted adult, a mentor, or even a professional about how sex make a huge differences in keeping the relationship alive or dead. More importantly, if you think this person you are getting to know is worth it, it’s time to consider talking about sex. #sextherapy Now after reading this article, you might be wondering if it would be too intruding to just ask and get that information out of a person that you’ve just met not long ago. How do you ask questions and gather information subtly during your interactions without scaring this person away? Check out our next tips: Step by Step Guide: 25 questions to ask in the first 10 dates. Make sure you subscribe and follow our news feed. Monthly membership available to access our online dating courses and get 1:1 coaching.